


A Taste of Paradise

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M, Gen, Romance, Series: Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-03-25
Updated: 2000-03-25
Packaged: 2018-11-10 15:01:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11129214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: A time for reflection as Phil tries to understand why she still feels attracted to Ben.  A moment of shared memories leaves both confused.This story is a sequel to"Spuds" McKenzie.





	A Taste of Paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me; Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

 

A Taste of Paradise

By Cassandra Hope

(Copyright April 1997)

 

__

"The discoveries to be made within this Canyon are worth the efforts required to get down...Within those red walls exist innumerable little worlds, surprising worlds, and hundreds of hidden paradises..."

Ann and Myron Sutton--The Wilderness World of the Grand Canyon

T

he  
mouth of Havasu Creek was a hive of activity. Phil's small group wasn't  
the only group anxious to explore the beauty of Havasu Creek and its  
waterfalls. A variety of craft moored belching forth quantities of human  
bodies then waited patiently for the human cargo to return before casting  
off to continue their express tours of the Canyon. The day camp set up  
by Hunter Expeditions was like the eye of a hurricane.

Early on the expedition has separated into two groups. The largest had departed over an hour ago to hike up Havasu Creek to Mooney Falls and swim in the plunge pool beneath the falls. A smaller group stayed behind at the confluence of the Colorado and Havasu Creek to relax and spend the day resting.

Phil slipped away from the others that had remained behind at the river making sure that no one marked her exit. This afternoon, at least, she wanted a little time to herself. The familiar feelings she'd experienced each time she was near Ben confused her and she was consumed by guilt. She should be thinking of Martin and his marriage proposal not Ben and what had once existed between them. That was over a long time ago, she just needed to get him out of her system. Martin understood that and she loved him for it. Why, then, did her thoughts, her emotions, her very body betray that love? Why did Ben's image supplant that of Martin in her thoughts, her dreams? Surely she wasn't falling in love with him again.

She headed upstream following the well-worn path, her goal a little known swimming hole. Slipping into the waters of a small stream that joined Havasu, she waded the shallow stream negotiating the narrow cut and entered a small shaded alcove. Ferns grew profusely on the cliffs where the spray from the tiny waterfall reached. She quickly shed her clothes, dropping them on a large rock beside her towel. On a final note of defiance she stripped off the 2-piece swimsuit and waded into the water. She swam the length of the pool and dove under the waterfall. The hollowed out area behind the falls was a spot of welcome coolness. Inhaling the damp smells of water, ferns, and moss, she floated in peaceful silence lulled by the sounds of falling water.

If only her emotions were as peaceful as her cool niche she would have been content. However, as usual, they would not heed her determined attempts to ignore his presence. After so many years, he could still turn her world on end. Why did he have to be here? Why did she find herself seeking his face among the others? Why did her heart race whenever he was near?

She drew in a lung full of air and sank to the bottom. Running her fingers through her thick hair, she shook her head until her hair swirled around her face. When her lungs cried for air she shot to the surface, planting her feet on the bottom of the niche. The falling water cascaded over her head and shoulders. Her thoughts flashed to warm hands running over her skin as a shower cascaded over entwined bodies. She could still feel his arms around her. Intense longing assailed her for what had once been. She found herself aching to bury herself in his arms once more. Surely she couldn't possibly still feel something for him? Not after what he had done to her, could she?

__

'Phil, stop this right now! You are not going to make that same mistake again. You couldn't keep his love before. What makes you think you could keep it now? He'll only hurt you again. Stop this now!' she scolded herself. Yet her heart ached for what had once existed. She had truly and deeply loved Ben but he had discarded her for someone else.

She wanted to believe that she was sorry that Ben's new love hadn't worked out but, she admitted to herself, she felt a deep and abiding sense of poetic justice. She was ashamed of that thought. She didn't think she could be that vindictive but just knowing that the years separating them had been as hard on him as they had been on her gave her some sense of justification.

Why couldn't she just forget about him and concentrate on Martin? She loved Martin. He was so different from the moody Mountie. With Martin you knew exactly what was going on in his head. He was not afraid to freely express himself on matters that concerned him. Sometimes this made him seem overbearing and condescending but Phil knew better.

She knew from personal experience that he hid his 'real' self behind the superiority and high-handedness. Beneath that polished veneer, he was a lot like her. Maybe that was why they hit it off so well. Maybe, given half a chance, they **could** build a marriage. Maybe, if she could forget those glacier blue eyes and that finely sculptured face and the kisses that seared her mind and the memories that refused to stay in that dark corner where she had consigned them. Maybe...but her heart still ached for Ben. She sighed. What was she going to do?

* * *

Ray wandered around the day camp looking for Phil, but she was no where to be found. He had noticed that she rarely had a moment alone. Someone was always claiming a piece of her time. He hoped she had made her escape without detection and could enjoy some time to herself. Fraser had accompanied Terry and the group that had hiked to Mooney Falls. Ray declined their invitation to join them, deciding to spend a day doing nothing. He went in search of Travis.

"Hey, Travis, is there a good spot close by where a person could take a swim without having to wear a life jacket? I mean, I don't want to hang on to a rock or tree or something to keep from being swept away." He glared pointedly at the current of the river just over Travis' broad shoulders.

Raking him with considering appraisal, Travis nodded his head. "Yeah, there's a couple of spots like that around here. In fact, you'll find Carol and several others already down at the easiest one to get to. You should have gone with the group up to Mooney Falls if you were interested in a swim."

"Nah...I'd kinda like to be by myself. You know, away from chatter and discussions on the strati-whatever of this cliff or the relationships between rocks and what-have-you. Man, I didn't even know rocks could have relationships! At least the tasting isn't getting too bad."

"You have something against tasting?" Travis shared a knowing smile.

"Nah...as long as it's food I'm tasting. Do you know if these people suffer from some kinda mineral deficiency? The way they chew on rocks makes me wonder. That's probably why they're geologists. Not me, huh uh...no way am I going to put anything that hasn't been boiled, broiled, fried, fricasseed, or baked in my mouth." He chuckled at the memory of various members of the group tasting rocks. Even Phil had chewed on a couple. In fact she was usually the one who instigated the incidents. Benny was right at home with this bunch of nuts. Travis joined him in the laughter.

"So, tell me, Travis, is there some place more private I can go?" Ray brought the conversation back to the original subject. 

Still grinning, Travis bobbed his head. Motioning with his hand toward the trail to Mooney Falls, he directed, "Head up Havasu until you hit the stream coming down from the left through a narrow cut. Wade through the cut and you'll be at one of the best kept secrets of the canyon."

"That good?" Travis nodded again. "Thanks."

It didn't take Ray long to scrounge his towel and sneak out of camp. A couple of minutes walking brought him to the stream and he entered the shallow water and waded into the narrow defile. The walls closed in but the water level never exceeded knee-deep. He was soon through into a small, wider area in the defile. At the far end water crashed over a rock ledge into a plunge pool before flowing down to enter the narrow cut he had just negotiated. The walls of the tiny ravine were hung with ferns and other greenery in stark contrast to the desert environment.

He waded out of the water onto the narrow strip of sand his eyes drinking in the welcome paradise. Glancing around at the sylvan glade, his senses responded to the smell of the vegetation reminding him of the smell of the air after a good rain. The waterfall splashed noisily into a basin that invited the weary traveler to discard his outer trappings and rest his weary bones. Smiling, Ray began stripping when he noticed obvious indications that he was not alone. Discarded in a careless pile partially obscured by some rocks was another pile of clothing.

Curious, Ray picked up the shirt jumping slightly as something green dropped to his feet. The shirt looked familiar. Emblazoned across the back was the imperative 

**Go Hike the Canyon**. The last time he had seen that particular shirt it had  
graced Phil's back. Draping the shirt over his shoulder, he surveyed  
the surrounding area. It was too small for anyone to get lost in and  
there wasn't enough cover to hide behind. Where was Phil? He scanned  
the water. It didn't look that deep.

Reaching down Ray retrieved the green that had fallen at his feet. Staring at the scraps of cloth, he grinned. Had Phil gone skinny-dipping? He glanced around the small spot once more then called to Phil, "Phil? Are you here?"

The voice calling her name startled Phil so that she floundered. Recovering, she peered through the curtain of water. Ray? What was Ray doing here? How did he get here? And where was Ben? The two men were practically inseparable. She breathed a sigh of relief when she recalled Ben's departure with the group that hiked up to Mooney Falls. He relief was short lived as her eyes widened when she saw what Ray held in his hands. When would she ever learn?

Ray dropped the swimsuit and walked the length of the sand bar drawing closer to the small waterfall. "Phil!" he yelled again.

"If you're going to stay, at least have the decency to toss me my shirt!"

Ray jumped. Where had the voice come from? He turned in a circle searching for Phil. "Where are you?" he asked empty space.

"I'm right here!" He turned toward the waterfall. Phil's head and shoulders emerged from the cascade. "Toss me my shirt!"

Ray grinned--looked like his speculations were right. Drawing the shirt from his shoulder, he held the article of clothing in question aloft. "Is this what you want?"

"Ray!" exasperation tinged her voice.

"Why don't you come and get it?" He shook the shirt at her.

"Ray! I thought you were a gentleman."

"Oh, I am. In fact, just to show you how much of a gentleman I am--I'm going to personally deliver this shirt to you." He waded out into the pool as Phil backed toward the waterfall.

"Ray, just toss me the damn shirt!" He only grinned and waded closer. Phil crossed her arms in front of her. 

Slowly and seductively, Ray's gaze slid downward. The water was clear but rough from the fall of water behind Phil. Her form was indistinct. His eyes ranged back to her face. He especially liked the way her hair feathered out around her face as it dried in the day's warmth. Sunlight glinted on a chain around her neck. A sudden image of Phil cavorting in the water sent a shaft of desire through him that centered in his groin.

Phil waited until he was a couple of feet away. "Hand it over now, Ray." He continued to grin and placed the shirt in Phil's extended hand. She quickly turned and slipped it over her head. Pulling the shirt down as far as it would go, she turned to face Ray again. "How did you find this place?"

"Travis told me how to get here," Ray replied with complete honesty. 

"Well at least you didn't follow me."

Ray nodded in understanding. "I am in total awe of the way you handle these people. Honestly, if they asked me as many questions as they ask you, I'd be brought up on charges of assault and battery and shooting with intent to kill. Are they always this nosey?" Ray babbled on, anything to distract his thoughts.

"No, sometimes it's worse. I really don't mind the questions, it's just...sometimes I..."

"...need to get away? Spend some time by yourself? Listen to something other than people talking and asking questions?"

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Just listen..." She closed her eyes and tilted her head to the sun.

Ray watched the tranquillity settle on her face, before doing the same. He listened. He heard the falling water, the breeze whistling through the narrow cut, a hawk cry--sounds he was not used to hearing. He opened his eyes to see Phil staring at him.

"You hear it, don't you?" Her voice was tinged with wonder.

"I hear several things. Which one do you mean?"

"All of them--the sounds of peace. Whenever the cares of life and living start to get to me, I head out and find an isolated place and just listen to the sounds around me. I don't know what it is about the sounds of water and wind..." her voice trailed off as she shrugged helplessly.

Ray nodded in understanding. "For me, it's the sound of my car. I just sit in it and run the engine. It always calms me down." Yeah...talking about his car helped.

"Your car? You're kidding?" Startled, Phil glanced at him. How could anyone equate nature with a mechanical contraption?

"Nope. I'm a city boy, remember. None of this nature stuff for me. If it ain't mechanical and don't spew noxious fumes, I'm not interested."

Phil laughed. Shaking her head, she pushed her hair back out of her face. "I'm getting out now, Ray. I would appreciate it very much if you would watch those rocks over there to make sure they don't come tumbling down."

Panicked, Ray's eyes widened. "Is that possible? You mean an avalanche could happen?"

Phil laughed so hard it was difficult to talk. "No, Ray..." She gasped for air but couldn't stop the laughter.

"What's so funny?" Annoyance made his voice sharper than usual.

"I'm sorry, Ray." She took several deep breaths to still the giggles. "I'm sorry, what I meant was--please keep your eyes on that cliff over there while I get out and put my clothes on. Okay?"

Ray huffed, "Why didn't you say so in the first place? Like I said, I'm a gentleman. I wouldn't even think of peeking." Not much. He felt the tightness of his shorts as his body responded to the images that insisted on dancing across his mind.

Phil may have covered herself with the T-shirt but the water had soaked it to near transparency. It also molded itself to her body in a way that did things to his peace of mind _. 'I need a cold shower,'_ he thought. The cool water of the stream was **not** cold enough. His body continued to respond to her nearness in a most alarming manner. He turned his back on her. "Go ahead, Phil. I'll watch this here cliff and let you know if I spy anything that remotely resembles an avalanche." 

"Thanks, Ray. You really are a gentleman." Phil quickly waded out and pulled on her swimsuit bottom then her shorts. Glancing downward her eyes widened in alarm. Not only did the soaked shirt fail to hide the curves of her breasts but it failed to disguise the dark tanned nipples standing at attention. Cursing softly, she quickly stripped the soaked T-shirt over her head and fastened the halter-top. She called to Ray and watched as he turned to face her.

"If you don't mind I'll swim for a bit before I get out."

"No, go ahead."

Ray swam in the direction of the waterfall, curious to find out what was behind it. The cool alcove behind the falling water was a welcome oasis in the heat of the canyon. He settled his feet on the sand of the bottom, accidentally raking a hand across his painful erection. Groaning, he undid the zipper and freed himself from the painful restraint. He quickly set about remedying his problem. The images in his mind shifted from ones of Phil to ones of Casey.

Spreading her T-shirt out on a rock, Phil decided to let it dry before she put it on again.

She watched Ray swim to  
the waterfall and pass through it. Spreading her towel out, she dropped  
down on it waiting for Ray to leave the cool recess behind the waterfall.  
Moments later, Ray's head appeared through the water and she smiled as  
he let the falling water wash across his face. Turning, he swam toward  
her. She held out his towel to him as he strode out of the water. Joining  
her on the small strip of sand, they sat together enjoying the small  
patch of peace they shared.

"So, how's it going with Fraser?" Ray asked noticing once more the golden chain around her neck. The chain looped a plain gold band. 

"How's what going?" She avoided looking at him. She didn't know how things were going with Ben. She just knew that she was intensely aware of Ben's presence and that awareness was accompanied by waves of guilt. That was one of the reasons she had sought out this spot--to think about Ben.

Ray coolly appraised her before speaking. "I'm not blind, you know. I've watched you two waltz around each other. You may have everyone else fooled but I know Benny and I've seen the way he looks at you, especially when he thinks no one's watching, and I've seen the way you look at him. There's still something there. Am I right?"

Phil rested her chin on her knees. Ray was entirely too perceptive. He must be a terrific detective. "There was something there a long time ago. Now, I think we're just too afraid of each other to feel at ease in each other's presence."

Ray snorted. "That's a crock of shit and you know it! You're not afraid of each other, you're afraid of your feelings for each other. You've both been hurt and you're afraid of letting that happen again."

He saw the protest on her lips but forestalled it. "I know Benny's the one who hurt you. I don't know the circumstances behind what happened, but you have to realize that he was hurt, too. Victoria really did a number on him."

Phil recalled the long discussion with Cat where she learned the truth behind Ben's relationship with Victoria. She wondered just how much Ray knew about the relationship she had had with Ben. She barely knew this man and was that something she wanted to discuss with him?

She gave Ray a considering look, noting the sincerity and concern in his eyes. She remembered Cat telling her that Ray was Ben's best friend. Maybe Ray could answer some of

the questions that Cat had side stepped. She took a deep breath and asked, "Ray, do you know just how close Ben and I were?"

Ray shook his head. "He only said that you were close...that you had a relationship. I don't know what kind of relationship..."

"We were engaged."

Ray's mouth dropped open, "Engaged? As in 'to be married'?"

He watched Phil lift the chain from around her neck. He looked into her eyes and saw the infinite sadness there.

"Ben gave this to me when he asked me to marry him. It belonged to his mother. I haven't taken it off since he gave it to me. I don't know why I still wear it. I once tried to put it away but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think of anything but how naked I felt without it." There was a faint tremor in her voice, as if some emotion had touched her.

She rubbed the band then released it. It dropped down to settle against her left breast. "I've been trying to get up enough courage to return it to him. It's been a part of me for so long but it really belongs to him. He never asked for it back. I always wondered why."

"Answer me truthfully, Phil. Do you still love him?" Ray dragged his eyes away from the ring and its resting place.

She blinked her eyes. "I don't know, Ray. I honestly don't know. I'm afraid to let go and open up myself to the feelings that are struggling inside. I don't know if I could ever let myself trust him again. In any case I don't know if I even want to try. Right now I'm just working on friendship--finding the lost friendship we once had--just trying to look at him and not feel hurt." She shook her head. "Am I making any kind of sense? It doesn't sound like it to me."

It made perfect sense to him. He smiled at her. "So, would you be interested in a debonair, Italian cop with a flair for clothes?"

Phil looked at the sincerity in Ray's eyes. "I don't know. I would have to meet him first." She laughed at the expression on Ray's face. "Truthfully, Ray?"

"Always."

"Truthfully, then. I am attracted to you--have been from the moment we first met. I think it would be very easy to fall in love with you. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Sort of...but, what about Benny?"

"What about him?"

"Do you think you two might get back together?" Ray pressed the point.

Phil looked across the stream at the cliff face opposite them. "I don't know, Ray. I don't know if I want to get back with him." She managed a tremulous smile before shaking her head. "I don't want to be hurt again. Besides, I **have** found someone else."

Ray waved that information away as if it were inconsequential. "But what if Benny really did love you?"

"I still don't know, Ray. I'm sorry, I can't answer your question any better than that."

"Okay, tell me about this other guy in your life. Do you really love him? More than Benny?" Why was he pushing so hard? Was he trying to break down her defenses?

Phil bowed her head and, after a moment of silence, she whispered, "I don't know, Ray. I love Martin and he's asked me to marry him and I don't know what to do." Turning tear-brightened eyes to her companion, she angrily asked, "Why did he have to be here on this trip? Why can't I get him out of my mind?"

"I don't think you need me to figure out your answers, Phil."

"Probably not, Ray, but I can't face those answers just yet. I don't know what I'm going to do." She glanced down blinking to prevent the tears that burned at the back of her eyes.

"You'll think of something, Phil. Oh, by the way, Benny is jealous of this man in your life."

The heavy lashes that shadowed her cheek flew up. "Ben is jealous of Martin? How...I mean...did he tell you?"

"Are you kidding?" Ray's eyes widened in shocked disbelief, before continuing, "He talks in his sleep, ya know."

Phil nodded her head. Another memory pulled from the vault of her mind supplied her with a night, long ago, when she had lain in Ben's comforting arms and listened to his mumbled words as he dreamed. She had kissed him awake and they made passionate love until dawn crept into Ben's small apartment. Ben jealous...it was hard to believe but she **had** seen him jealous before.

Bemused, she said, "I've only seen Ben jealous twice. The first time, he attacked my brother."

"Your brother? Why in hell would Benny attack your brother?" His voice rose in surprise.

"It's a long story..."

Ray's mouth twisted wryly. "One of those stories Benny told me about?"

"I guess you could say that."

"Then tell me." The warmth of his smile echoed in his voice.

"You really want to know?" She was smiling now, too.

"Definitely! Tell me about Benny losing control," Ray encouraged with a wolfish grin.

"Okay. I'll tell you the story as we walk back to camp." Phil drew her feet beneath herself and rose, gathering her towel and T-shirt. She waited while Ray did the same.

Entering the stream, they waded into the narrow cleft where it flowed before joining Havasu Creek. Phil told Ray about the time when Ben had come to her house and had mistaken her brother, TJ, for her lover. She told him how Ben and TJ had fought and then become friends. By the time they negotiated the narrow cut Ray was laughing so hard tears came to his eyes. Phil's stories were definitely more interesting than Benny's Inuit tales anytime.

* * *

After an incident free trip to National Canyon, the group settled into the routine of setting up camp for the night. Not long after their arrival another group aboard a baloney boat joined them to share the campground sands. Tomorrow, both groups would negotiate Lava Falls, the most exciting rapid in the Canyon. However, the group from the dories would not depart at the same time as the group with the baloney boat. Phil's group would spend some time during the morning hours exploring National Canyon, another example of 'slickrock'. They would definitely discover the need for creative methods of negotiating the narrow and vertical stretches of the canyon.

After some bartering, BakTrak's group delved into a dinner of steak, baked potatoes, salad, and chocolate cake from Josie's dutch ovens. The other group enjoyed the two cases of beer Travis bartered for the steaks. 

* * *

Ray noticed with some dread that the guitar was present at the campfire once more. So far, he had managed to avoid having to sing or play or do anything remotely embarrassing. However, he knew his luck couldn't hold forever. Why was he not surprised when Josie handed the guitar to him?

"I can't play this damn thing, never have and never will," he sulked.

"Well, I guess that means you'll be singing for us." Josie wasn't about to let him off the hook.

"I can't sing either." 

"Well, Ray, as you've already seen not many of the others can either," Phil volunteered. There were several acknowledging catcalls and much laughter.

"Phil! I didn't pay good money to be coerced into singing for this group!" He spoke with mock severity.

"Sorry, Ray. I only handle the organizational and educational parts of the trip. The Hunters handle everything else." She spread her hands in surrender.

"If it will help any, I'll be glad to accompany you, Ray." Ben reached for the guitar. When Ray did not answer him, he turned a questioning look on him.

Ray stared back and responded somewhat impatiently, "Why are you trying to make this easier for me? I said I didn't want to do this!" 

"Come on now, Ray. Just think of it as part of the group experience," Josie teased.

Ben quietly began playing the guitar. Ray perked up. "Hey, I know that song."

"I thought you might." Ben smiled at him.

Ray smiled back. "Okay...here goes...don't say I didn't warn you."

"Just get on with it, Ray!"

Ray grinned at the faces around the fire then broke into song.

__

Row, row, row your boat,

Gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily, merrily,

Life is but a dream.

As Ray reached the 'merrily, merrily' part, Ben started the round over. Soon the whole group was singing loudly and off key.

When the last stanza wound to a close, Phil leaned over and patted Ray on the knee. "That was great, Ray. Didn't I say you could do it?"

"Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without Benny! Thanks." He smiled at the Mountie.

"My pleasure, Ray."

The guitar was duly passed to the next victim and the singing and joking about the campfire continued. As the evening progressed, the contingent around the campfire fluctuated. People from the other group joined them and participated in the impromptu singing session.

Phil stood and stretched. She needed to walk out some of the kinks in her back. She still ached from her stint at the controls of the 

Glen Canyon. She made her  
goodnights and headed down to the river. Ben watched her leave, struck  
by the way she walked. It brought back many memories of watching her  
hike.

Ray noted the direction of the Mountie's gaze. "Why don't you stretch your legs, too, Benny," he suggested with a motion of his head.

Ben wasn't entirely convinced by the patented innocent expression on Ray's face, but he smiled anyway. "That sounds like a good idea, Ray."

"Oh, can I come, too?" Mara half rose to her feet.

"Uh...I think..." How could he politely tell her that he preferred other company.

"Nope, I don't think so, Mara." Ray grasped the guitar and passed it to the girl. "I think it's about time you paid the piper!" There was heartfelt agreement from the others about the fire.

"Thanks, Ray," Ben spoke softly to his friend.

"You owe me, Fraser," but there was a definite smile in Ray's eyes.

Ben climbed to his feet, dusted his shorts off, and went in search of Phil. Reaching the edge of the river, he was surprised to discover that Phil was not there. He scanned both directions of the bank, but Phil was gone. Where could she be?

Ben closed his eyes, focusing on what he was hearing. He slowly blocked out the sounds of the group about the fire, the noises of the river, the chirping of the insects. He smiled and turned to his left, walking away from the camps of the two groups.

* * *

Standing on the bank of the river, Phil cast her thoughts forward into tomorrow. Lava Falls Rapid--her Canyon nemesis--would she finally make it through them in a dory? Or would she be thrown once more? _'Just once I'd like to make it through in a boat,'_ she thought.

She turned and picked her way down the river to a large rock that thrust itself out into the river. It was easy to clamber upon. The tricky part came on getting down. However, that could be faced later. Right now though, Phil wanted to sit on top of that rock and feel the river flowing around her. In no time, she had accomplished that goal. Now she sat, knees drawn up, resting her chin on those knees.

Closing her eyes, she drew up her mental image of Ben. Not the Ben she had known all those years ago, but the Ben she was getting to know now. He had changed. The reserved nature he had had all those years ago was so overwhelming that she wondered if the joker she had known then was gone--a victim of Victoria's 'love'. They had traveled together now for 11 days. In that time, Ben had been polite, courteous, gentle--but she had seen the look in his eyes when he thought she wasn't looking. Did he still love her? Were Cat and Becka right? Had he finally come to his senses?

"Phil, I told you there would be obstacles." The soft voice spoke out of the evening shadows.

"I remember, Caroline. I also remember you telling me all these years that eventually he would come to his senses. Is this what you were talking about?" Phil turned to greet her ghostly visitor.

"He's been very troubled for many months, Phil. Robert and I have been..." she bit her lip, "...we've been very worried about him."

That had Phil's undivided attention. "Why?"

"Phil, all men have their limits. Some are just stronger than others are. Some release their feelings of anger, hurt, and despair quickly and readily. They're like a brush fire--burning fast and hot, but quickly burning out. Then, there are those that are like a smoldering ember buried deep inside a pile of leaves. It burns and smolders and burns before finally bursting into flame. That fire is hot and long lasting and does not end quickly. Ben is like that. He has kept his feelings of guilt, remorse, loss, and regret over choosing that woman pent up inside him until they have taken their toll on him. He has reached the limits of his strength, Phil. He needs you."

"He needs me? What about what I need? I needed him 12 years ago, but he wasn't there for me. You say he needs me now? Why does he need me? Why should I care? He had his chance with me years ago and he chose Victoria." She bowed her head. "He chose Victoria, Caroline. As much as he may think he still loves me, does he really? Or is he just using my memory to salve his conscience?" She bared all the fears hidden in her heart.

"Phil?" Caroline spoke gently.

Phil rested her forehead on her crossed wrists. "I know, Caroline. I'm sorry, I had no right to talk to you like that."

"I understand, Phil. Just don't let your bitterness keep you from this second chance at love like your fears kept you from your first one. Phil, look at me, please." Phil turned wary eyes to regard Caroline's apparition. "Phil, there are no third chances. Don't let your pride destroy any

hopes for the one love you know you still want." Caroline smiled then faded away.

__

'There are no third chances' echoed around and around in her thoughts. "Yeah, but do I even want a second chance? There are still a lot of things he has to answer to before I'm willing to..." To what? What was she willing to do? She rested her forehead on her wrists once more.

Ben climbed to the top of the rock, confident that Phil would be there. She did not turn to him when he settled down beside her. They sat in silence for several minutes before Ben placed a hand on her shoulder.

Phil raised her face to him. "I'm sorry, Ben. I'm not good company right now."

"That's all right, Phil. I'll just sit here and enjoy the peace and quiet with you." He moved closer to her. When she did not raise her head again, he slowly slid one arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him.

Why was she letting him do this? When his arm had slid around her, she had automatically stiffened but then she had relaxed and let him draw her closer. Why did she turn to him and let him hold her? Why did she lay her face on his chest and run her fingers over the RCMP crest on the front of his shirt? She idly plucked at a frayed spot.

"Heavy thoughts, Phil?" She nodded yes.

"Is it about us?" A nod.

"Anything I can help you with?" A shake of the head.

"I understand, Phil." He held her in his arms and gently stroked her back in the circular motions that he had used so many years before on her. They sat there, not talking, while the sky finally darkened to night.

Phil inhaled the masculine scent of Ben. Caroline said this was her second chance. Did she want it? A growing part of her did, but there was still that part that remembered the pain and hurt he had caused. That part continued to remind her of his absence when Lindy had died. _'But he didn't know about her,'_ she answered herself. _'If I'd only gone to him maybe we'd be together now...I don't know what to do.'_ A tear spilled out and slowly tracked down her cheek. 

The hand on her back moved up to cradle her head and stroke her cheek. Ben felt the wetness on his fingers and lifted her face to his. "Phil, what is it, love?"

"Ben, has someone ever told you that there was no such thing as a third chance?" Her voice faded to a hushed stillness.

Surprised by the question, Ben thought back to his talk with his father. He nodded his head. "Yes, Phil, I've been told that." His voice was thick and unsteady.

"Do you think it's true?"

Ben searched his heart and gave her the answer he found there. "Yes."

She turned her face to his chest and buried it in his shirt. "That's what I'm afraid of, Ben."

His arms tightened around her slight form. "There's nothing to be afraid of. I won't let anything hurt you."

She drew slowly back and lifted troubled eyes to him. "But will you hurt me?"

The words were softly spoken and Ben had to strain to hear them. When he did, they sent a shaft of pain through him. He felt her trembling in his arms. "Phil, I won't say that I will never hurt you. I can't make that promise. No one can. All I can say is that I will never hurt you anymore than you've hurt me."

"Hurt you? How have I hurt you?" She halted, shocked.

"Not you exactly, Phil, but your memory has." He could see the question hanging between them.

Raking a thumb across his eyebrow, he asked, "Has Ray told you why we came on this trip?"

Phil shook her head. "No, he's alluded to something that was affecting you but he never said exactly why."

Ben exhaled slowly and deeply. Did he want to tell her his reasons for this trip? Why expose himself to more hurt, more stress. He looked down into the face raised to his and saw the concern there. Making his decision, he began, "I came on this trip to exorcise your ghost. Ever since Victoria..." He strengthened his hold on Phil as she responded to that name. "Ever since Victoria taught me the difference between being loved and being used, I've had...problems."

"Problems?"

Ben released her and drew away from her hugging himself. When he spoke again, his voice was distant, devoid of color. "Yes, I guess the guilt and anguish of being totally alone and not having you to make me whole...I think I started to lose my mind. I found myself wanting to live in my dreams more and more--dreams of you and the love we once had. I have never felt so lost. I...I feel like I'm living on the outskirts of life and love and I don't know what to do."

Phil could tell the effort it was for Ben to reveal this about himself. She reached for him but drew back as he continued. "I went to Cat and she told me she had met you...about what had happened. Phil..." He turned eyes stark with terror to her, "...I have never been so frightened

as when I heard about your abduction." He swallowed several times before continuing, "Cat said that you still cared for me but that there were circumstances that we needed to talk over..."

"Did she say what those circumstances were?" Cat had promised not to tell Ben about Lindy, had she told him anyway?

"No, she only said that it explained your bitterness and that until those circumstances were cleared between us there would only be emptiness and loneliness--for both of us. I still don't know what circumstances she meant. Can you tell me, Phil?" The expression on his face begged her to tell him.

"Yes, I could, Ben, but not now and not here. That's something that must wait until after this trip is over. Like it or not this trip has first priority with me. What you or I want is second to that." The huskiness in her voice increased as she spoke.

"I don't understand, Phil." Entreaty changed to confusion.

Phil straightened her spine and lifted her chin. "These circumstances that Cat mentioned, they would disrupt the remainder of this trip and I can't allow that. I promise, Ben, when this trip is over we'll talk about everything." And that everything would include his daughter--their daughter.

Ben's head and shoulders drooped. "I guess, I'll have to be satisfied with that."

"I'm afraid so, Ben." Phil squeezed his shoulder then ran her hand up the shoulder to his face as he turned it to her. She resisted the temptation to run her fingers over his lips instead settling for running her fingers through his thick hair. It curled around her fingers in a way she remembered from years before. She drew her hand back and rose to her feet. "I'd better get back to the camp. Tomorrow's going to be a bad day--Lava Falls and all that," she muttered hastily.

Ben stood also. "I guess I'll be heading back as well. Let me go first."

Ben moved to the edge of the rock and felt for the footholds. Finding them, he inched his way back down to the bank of the river. He watched Phil start her climb down. He saw her foot search for a foothold and as her weight rested on one, he watched it crumble. He reached for her even as she fell. Her weight slammed into him and he was knocked to the ground, Phil's slender form on top.

Phil quickly levered herself up. "T, are you all right?" she asked as she tried to roll off him but his arms tightened possessively around her.

Had he heard correctly? Had she called him T?

"Ben, speak to me. Are you hurt?" Phil peered down into his face worried at his lack of response. Just when she was convinced that he had hit his head or something, he spoke.

"No, Phil. I'm fine--just got the wind knocked out of me."

Breathing a sigh of relief, she gently chided him, "You scared me there for a minute when you didn't answer me!"

"I'm fine--just hit my elbow on this rock."

"Where?" Phil watched Ben rotate his arm to show her his elbow. She never knew where the urge came from, but she found herself bending over and placing her lips on his elbow.

"What was that for?" Ben was as startled as Phil was.

Why had she done that? A childhood memory came to mind and she smiled down at Ben. "Something Rob always did for me when I skinned a knee or bruised something. He always said _'a kiss will make it better.'_ " She chuckled slightly at the memory. "Strange--when I was little, it seemed to work quite a bit. But as I grew older..."

"As we grew older, new kinds of hurt entered our lives and sometimes a kiss wasn't enough to cure it." 

His voice, deep and sensual, sent a ripple of awareness through her. "No, sometimes it takes a lot more than that." Phil propped herself up on Ben's chest and stared down at the handsome features below her, features that showed clearly in the moonlight. She felt his hands as they caressed the length of her back. She felt her body rise and fall with his even breathing. She felt the chuckle as it shook his frame. She felt absolutely no desire to move from where she was.

"Amazing, my elbow no longer hurts. Do you think you could administer some of that same medicine to this hurt?" He pointed to his other elbow. Phil smiled and obliged. "How about this one?" He pointed to his forehead. Phil smiled and obliged. "This one?" His nose.

Phil shook her head and smiled then kissed his nose. "You've definitely been watching too much 'Indiana Jones'!" She felt the body under her shake once more with the chuckles escaping from him.

"Well...it worked for him." He recalled watching a movie with Becka one night while he was still in the hospital. He'd quite enjoyed it although Indiana Jones reminded him a little too much of TJ McKenzie.

Phil watched the smile on his face. It was too dark to see his eyes clearly but she knew they were smiling, too. In a voice so soft she had to strain to hear it, Ben asked, "This one, too?" and he pointed to his lips.

Phil gazed deeply into the eyes that could turn her insides to mush before leaning down and kissing the lips that met hers. Ben's arms slid around her and he rolled them until he was on top. He reluctantly broke the kiss and stared down into Phil's face. Now he could see her expressions. He hadn't liked not being able to see her face.

She smiled up at him. "Well, Ben, now what?"

He smiled and lowered his face to hers. Somewhat surprisingly, her lips met his. Her arms slid around him and her mouth opened to him as his tongue ran across her lips. Groaning he invaded the soft confines of her mouth and ran his tongue over her teeth and the soft interior. Fire burned in him as he deepened the kiss. Phil returned the fervency of the kiss, fitting her body to his. Ben groaned deep in his throat, "Phil, do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"

His words were like a dash of cold water. They drew apart, not quite sure what had happened--not quite sure what to do next. Phil pushed on his chest forcing Ben to pull away from her. "I don't think we should be doing this, Ben." Phil's voice shook with suppressed emotions.

"Why?" He ran his tongue over his lips. "I know you wanted this--enjoyed this as much as I did."

"That's not the point, Ben. We need to discuss those circumstances before we..." Before they what? What did she want?

"...before we delve deeper into the feelings we are both afraid of allowing to surface?" 

Phil nodded her head. "I have to finish this trip and put its responsibilities behind me before I can feel free to explore those buried feelings. Ben, I honestly don't know what I will find. I only know that this isn't the place and time to open myself up to them. And I don't think it's the proper place and time for you either."

What she said made sense. When this trip was over, they could explore their feelings. He knew that whatever those circumstances were, there was bound to be a lot of pain involved and he didn't want to revive that pain until they were in a position to be able to deal with it. Smiling to himself, he was glad that Phil hadn't mentioned that man in her life. In fact, she hadn't brought up his name in several days. Could she be unsure of **that** relationship? He fervently hoped so.

He looked down into Phil's face, drinking in the lines of her face, glad that he had at last found her. He could wait for a resolution, certain that one would be there for him. "I understand, Phil, but, please, don't shut me out." 

"I'll try not to, Ben, but it's been so long since I let anyone get close to me, except for my brothers." 

"And Lloyd Hope?" he added.

"How? Where? I mean, how do you know about Lloyd?"

"I met him less than a month ago when I visited Cat to recuperate from my accident." Phil nodded and he continued, "He told me about you, said that you had a relationship similar to mine and Cat's." Phil again nodded her head. "He also said that he would have beaten the crap out of me if he'd known me 12 years ago."

"Lloyd said that?" Phil gasped then smiled.

"Yes, he did. He loves you very much." _'Did he share your bed?'_ he wanted to ask but knew Phil would not answer that question.

Phil smiled inwardly at the distinct note of jealousy in Ben's voice. Instead of answering the unspoken question, she lifted an eyebrow and nodded noncommittally. "As I love him," she said with a gentle softness in her voice.

"He's a good man," Ben finally spoke.

"Yes...yes he is and I'm happy for him and Cat. It's as if they were made for each other. I wish..." her voice trailed off as she realized just what it was she wanted. How could she tell the man beside her that she wished their relationship had never ended? 

"Wish what, Phil?" Ben had caught the whispered words.

"I wish things were different, Ben, but they aren't. We have to deal with the here and now and not long for something that was over a long time ago."

"I understand, Phil."

"Do you? Do you really understand, Ben?" She shook her head slowly, before saying, "I don't think you do, but some day you will. That's a promise I make to you. Some day you will but until then, don't take it personally if I'm a little jumpy."

Ben stood then helped Phil to her feet. Placing an arm around her shoulders they walked back to camp.

* * *

**__**

Journal entry: 9 September 1997

I held Phil in my arms tonight. I kissed her lips and caressed her body. I wish now that I had not done so. I ache with a renewed pain that is almost physical. Her nearness reaches out to me and calls to me. I cannot answer that call for I know she will push me away. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want her and I think she still feels something for me. But she is afraid of me--afraid I will hurt her again. I don't blame her. I'm afraid of being hurt again, too. But...I think I'm more afraid of living on the outskirts of life and love--on the outskirts of Phil's love.

I talked with her and I told her more about my problems than I have told anyone, except possibly Cat or Becka. Even Ray doesn't know the extent of my despair. But with Phil I feel I can be myself--knowing that whatever I share with her will be kept in confidence. Not that I don't trust Ray--I do. It's just that where Phil is concerned...I guess I don't want to be hurt again, either.

We talked of Lloyd Hope and I was jealous as she spoke of her love for this man. Were they lovers? Does he know the taste of her satin skin and the curve of her neck? Does he know the feel of her breasts beneath his hand or tongue? Has he felt her hands on his body stroking him to heights of rapture? Does he know the thrill of kissing her body and stroking her till she screams in delight? Has he felt her lips and tongue as they trail across his body? Does he know of that spot at the base of her spine that sets her whole body to trembling? Has he gazed into her eyes darkened with passion? Does he know the ecstasy of plunging into her depths and losing himself to her flames? Does he know her? I ache with longing for what I once had, what Lloyd tasted, what I must reclaim.

I told her once that I would never willingly hurt her. Yet that's exactly what I did. How can I tell her the same thing and expect her to believe me? I wouldn't. Yet, I cannot fight this desire that grows inside me. I must break through that wall around her heart and reach that Phil she hides in there. I want her back. I would give anything to have her back. I can't let this man she thinks she loves, this Martin, steal her away from me. Am I obsessed with her as I was with Victoria? I don't think so. I only know that I will never feel complete--whole without her. I cannot face life on the outskirts and I now know that Phil is the only one who can save me. Will she do it or will she turn away from me as I once turned away from her?

* * *

 

To be continued (?)

Copyright April 1997 by Cassandra Hope

Comments are welcome at 

baktrak@earthlink.net

 

****

Second Chances

(Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)

  1. On a Collision Course--Redux
  2. Second Chances
  3. A Cop, a Mountie, and a Dory
  4. Canyon Interlude by Carol Trendall
  5. Rhyme of a Not-so-Ancient Mariner
  6. Down the Valley of the Shadow
  7. The Heart Remembers
  8. You Call This Lucky?
  9. Ghost of a Chance
  10. The Soul of a Friend
  11. 'Spuds' McKenzie
  12. A Taste of Paradise



 

 


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